What is perfect love?

The desire to experience myself in you spiritually. That's my definition and that is what perfect love is to me. I don't believe I can experience perfect love through my body or through my mind. I can only know the true perfection in loving another spiritually.

If I use my body to know perfect love with another... It will fail. Moments of passion is not true love. An attachment that our bodies create is not love... Also known as soul ties. Lust will not allow me to experience perfect love because its not found in sex. If you believe that the body holds the soul and that the soul is our true self. How can you expect to experience perfect love in something that is not real. For your body will fade but your soul will never cease to exist.

The mind cannot comprehend what perfect love is. Your mind makes true what ever you want to believe is true. Your thoughts become true no matter what. What you think comes into being. Your mind records and perceive everything you have ever experience in your life. Your mind constantly try's to recreate every experience over and over again unconsciously.

For examples, If you grew up without a parent or without one of your parents, you will likely always search for reassurance that you are a worthy, you will never trust anyone, anybody love will never be enough or never feel loved, You will vow never to leave someone or your child.
Patterns.
If you grew up witnessing abuse, you will likely become controlled/controlling or abused/abusive in some form... Verbally, mentally, or physically.
Patterns.
If you witnessed alcoholism or drug abuse, you are likely to drink or use drugs or attract a lot of drinkers or drug users.
Patterns.
If you experienced sexual abuse, your child or someone close will likely experience sexual abuse too. If you were sexually promisious, your child or someone close will likely be also.
Patterns.
If you grew up seeing dysfunction pretending to be love, you are likely to experience dysfunction as love.
Patterns.
Our generation calls dysfunction.... Love.

Yes. Patterns can be broken and you can create any reality you choose. But if you do not make the pattern conscious, you will keep recreating your experiences unconsciously. It's this fault in the operation of our minds that we cannot experience perfect love through our minds. Spiritual people know not to let their minds create for them but to create using their minds. You will never know perfect love, you will only know dysfunction disguised as love.

Your body and mind work together. What you experience in your body you will experience in your mind. This is called hormones and the chemicals that are released. These pleasure filled moments causes chemical reactions...making your mind feel good or on cloud nine. So being that you are high, you believe you must be in love but really you are just high. Its when you get use to those brain chemicals being produced with that person that you see that human for who they really are. But we still stay...why? Because our bodies already created an attachment and our mind keep replaying the good and bad experiences over & over. People say love is blind... It's not. We blind ourselves from the dysfunction that always been there & when the pain make those feel good chemicals go away. We continue to lie to ourselves because we want to believe the dysfunction is love. So the mind make you believe what you want to be true. While recreating the same reality over and over for you unconsciously with many or just one.

What is dysfunction? Anything that cause you pain or fear. It is true, love does not hurt or cause pain. Human bodies & minds is what cause hurt & pain. If dysfunction is what lives in the mind, it will be experience & express through the body.

As I said, perfect love can only be experience spiritually. It's because once you become spiritually conscious... Only then can your see, feel, & recognize perfect love. Only the perfect love in me can see the perfect love in you... Which is perfect love. This is also known as soulmates. My soul is the perfect love of God, everybody soul is... All living beings are. When I become spiritually conscious, I become perfect love.

This is why most spiritual teachers stayed alone like... Jesus, buddha, & all monks. Because sometimes the perfect love you experience with yourself is enough.

Perfect love is possible but only few will experience it because to become spiritually conscious is a lot of work. Both people have to be conscious and that's hard to find. So most will have dysfunctional love and wonder why they are not happy or satisfied or why it hurts so bad. I'm not talking about going to church together or reading the bible together or even praying together. That all mental... You have to go beyond and within.

Perfect love is everything a wonderful relationship should be. Loving, kind, understanding, patient, tender, gentle, supportive, respectful, sweet, honest, accepting.... Basically anything that brings happiness. For whatever I do to you I do to myself. I am you and you are me, we are one. Perfect love.

What is perfect love? My desire to experience my true self in you.

Being Submissive

Women (including me) usually are taught that being submissive to a man is a "no no". That a man should never be superior to a woman ever. When most women hear the word "submissive", they think of the 50's or 60's, because most women cleaned and cooked and were treated less than by their husbands. Including the fact, They were never appreciated and did what their husbands told them to. I've heard older men say "they don't make them how they use to, women were obedient and submissive back in my day."

Obedient?.... That makes me want to roll my eyes. So I can see why being submissive to a man can be unappealing to our generation. That's if you associate it with sixties years ago to caveman time. Who would want to be that "woman" in our modern day society? I mean, isn't that the reason why in the 70's & 80's women wanted to be equal to men, and wanted to be treat as such. Not to mention the "sex, weed, peace, love" hippie movement.

I can admit, being treated like a man can get you uppercuted. Besides we had to evolve from the old maid to the modern day women at some point. Few may only cook and clean now but gaining intelligence was definitely a plus. But back to this tarnished word "submission", will women never know this again? & I'm not talking about the total men domination version or the Webster definition. So what am I talking about?

Well, submission to me and a lot of women in great relationships is... Letting a man be dominanting, not controlling. Trusting him to take the lead, not telling you what to do. Recognizing his presence, not gaveling at his feet. Having the passionate desire to please him, not slaving to his every need. Praising the power of his macuslinity, not worshipping his pockets. Obeying his direction and dreams, not being discipled to listen. Honoring his efforts and good intentions, not being miserable by his behavior. Loving the way he adores you, not putting up with his mistreatment.

A woman cannot be commanded to submit, she has to choose and long to be dominanted by that man. The love, passion, and admiration of a man that treat her like a queen will cause her to want to please him in anyway possible. To completely want to submit to him & their love. To me, a man that can control his woman is only done through fear but a man that can dominate his woman is only done through love. Secretly or not... Every woman wants to be dominated but no woman wants to be controlled.

Unfortunately, Truth be told... Every male do not know how to dominant while every female do not know how to be submissive. But the ones that do, are in a blissful state in their relationship.

Lol I'm single though, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Until next time:)

Love lost

Love that fades, will be hard to endure. Seeing them in the future and being total strangers. Loving them and hating them at the same time. Love that ended between two people is a lesson in life. You needed that experience to grow or to learn something you needed to learn. Everything that becomes apart of our lives are there because we wanted it. Nothing just happens, we actually called it into existance.

We choose how we live our life by the choices we make everyday. And that love got lost for a reason. Don't dwell on the love that was once shared because it mostly likely won't bring it back. You just have to evaluate what was the lesson and did you learn from it. Then you can move on stronger and better in a new direction.

You will hurt. The pain will be real. The tears will fall... Maybe everyday. & you will miss them constantly. But you will grow and it will push you forward. You may feel like you will never love again, but you will. You will be wiser. You will be more cautious. You will meet someone new.

However, the true test will be to keep your heart open. To not crumble under the pain and hurt. To understand that this was meant to happen cause everything happens for a reason. So mourn your lost. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Relieve the memories as many times as you want to. Miss them like crazy. But when you're ready...the soon the better... Let go. Be happy they came into your life and move on.

If that love was meant to be, nothing can stop it from being. If that love was just an experience then let it just be an experience. If that love was just a lesson then learn the lesson. Figure out what was the purpose of that love because it wasn't lost for nothing.

Until next time:)

Note to self

Action is the best way someone can show you what you mean to them. Words are nice when they are said but at the end of the day... They are just words. We put so much on people words that when action don't balance what we were told... We become disappointed. Or begin making excuses for their lack of action. I am a pleaser, so I often feel like I'm not getting what I put out. I just have to learn to stop making excuses for behavior I feel I do not deserve or lack of effort I do not receive. I have to remind myself that actions and words go hand & hand.

Action is required in love. If I love you I must show it. If I like you I must show it. If I care I must show it. If I want you in my life I must show it. If I'm your friend I must show it. If I'm your family I must show it. If you feel you are getting taken advantage of or your efforts aren't matched... Deal or remove yourself from the situation. It may be hard but you happiness depends on you.

Until next time:)

Poem: Lost in him

He lives in my mind... Every thought he's there, in every memory he resides. Every dream he awakens, in every fantasy he lives. I can't escape his image that is burned into my head. He lives in my heart... Every beat is for him, in the day & in the night. He lives in my soul... Every piece of my soul has become one with his. He lives in my body... Every touch I feel him, in every kiss I crave him. Every embrace I want him, in every moment I yearn him. I can't run from this temptation, no matter how hard I try. With him is nothing compared to being with you, In just silence with you is home. When he kisses me... It's your lips I imagine. Looking into your eyes was looking at myself. From perfection to second best. There is not enough tears to mourn your loss. How do I tell him, I'm lost in you?

Poem: I don't know how to let you go

You use to say fate brought us together. That was the only explanation that came to mind to explain this attraction... This chemistry... This uniting of our souls.

Every moment with you to form these memories is torture to see these images replay in my mind. But hard to imagine who I would be without them.

I'm constantly reminded by my common sense that I don't know how to let you go.

When we touch... life stops and our souls recognizes each other presence in our bodies. The desire that neither one of us could escape were expressed through the pressing of our lips.

The yearning to be near you is sometimes unbearable. The thought of never seeing your face or feeling the warmth of your body close to mines is painful.

I'm constantly reminded by my heart that I don't know how to let you go.

At some point, we fell in love with each other. This fire grows that lives inside of us. Deep within I know I only exist for you.

We wasn't ready for each other. We are always changing, sometimes too much. Then it's the fear that dwells in us... Fear of hurt, fear of loving, fear of others.

But, I'm constantly reminded by my soul that I don't know how to let you go.

Our souls tied as one but our bodies live separate lives. Our hearts crys for each other but our mouths say we can't be together. Our eyes burn with want for each other but we are blinded by other faces.

We go on pretending that we would never work. We hide the pain of seeing each other try to move on. We fight the tears that want to leave our eyes because we can't let it bother us. We become strangers to each other because distance will eventually numb us. We say mean words to push each other away. We do what ever we have to do so we don't have to feel.

If we cannot be together... How do I let you go?

Love I want❤

When one kiss goodbye isn't enough
When a hug is a sweet embrace as we melt into one
When compliments are a normality and sweet words are our specialty 
When time has no limit nor do we want it to when we are together
When chills goes down my spine when you smile at me
When seeing your text and hearing your voice is the happiest moment of my day
When your touch causes my heart to rapidly beat and set my free at the same time
When listening becomes a priority and laughing becomes our hobby
When butterflies awaken in my stomach from your kisses
When communication is our number one problem solver
When staying together is our number one mission
When love is our life long motivation

Do real friendships & relationships still exist?

It seem all "realness" is slowly fading away concerning friendships & relationships. No one is as loyal to or committed in preserving what two people share anymore. Forgiveness is at a all time low, nobody wants to fight for people they care about anymore. It's all about how they feel or how much they feel offended, that caring about another person feelings or understanding their point of view is not important. We truly live in the most selfish, self interest, self indulging period in human history. We unappreciated the good in someone and celebrate the bad. It's almost like people feel more alive messing up good friendships and relationships than they get pleasure from enjoying them.

At one time period, friendship with someone was like having another brother or sister. Sometimes that person was even closer. Y'all spent time together, talk together, shared memories. But when y'all fought... Hours later y'all was close again like nothing happened. Yea, people held grudges but not on the level it is nowadays, people hold grudges for decades. The word friendship have no meaning anymore because everybody have an hidden agenda. Nobody want to work to build and keep a good bond with one another, or cherish each other presence in their lives. Everybody want it their way, if you not doing what they want you to do then they kicking you to the curve or slowly pushing you away.

It's even worst for relationships. The value of real relationships is at -20. Nobody in this broken society gives 100 percent to their mate in relationships. You get what you get and when you aren't getting it anymore, you move on to the next. People are not investing energy, time, and communication to their love ones. Again, you get what you get... If its not enough... Oh well. Love isn't strong intimately like in the old days (I know I'm young lol), whereas, your girl was your girl and your man was your man and nothing was messing that up. Yes, cheating always existed but was it really like it is now? People are having sex like STD's are a thing of the past. Loyalty... What loyalty? Commitment... What commitment? Honesty... That been dead.

Married couples are acting single, like vows don't matter. Couples in relationships are basically sex buddies. And single people are lonely as hell because they are scared to get involve with anyone because the values in relationships are not taken seriously. So most single people rather just mess around to barely get their needs met.

There is so much confusion going around because nobody knows what they want from another. And unfortunately game playing is the safest way not to get hurt. People always say they want the real deal but they just are not willing to get it and keep working to keep it. Once people get something good they let it fall on the back burner. If something is lacking or missing in a person there is no more compromising. It seems everything that is invaluable is not valued and everything that is not valuable is treated like it is.

So on that note, if you feel you have something real with somebody (friendship or relationship) work to keep it. If you feel you don't have anything real but family keep your family close. If you feel you have absolutely nothing real... All I can say is start building a true relationship with God and pray someone extraordinary enter into you life.
Until next time:)

Astronomy 101: We are all connected

There's a video to this which is amazing.... Called [Neil DeGrasse Tyson - The Most Astounding Fact] on YouTube.

Background for anyone who doesn't know him from Wikipedia:
"American astrophysicist and science communicator. He is currently the Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space, and a research associate in the department of astrophysics at the American Museum of Natural History. Since 2006 he has hosted the educational science television show NOVA scienceNOW on PBS, and has been a frequent guest on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Jeopardy!. It was announced on August 5, 2011, that Tyson will be hosting a new sequel to Carl Sagan's Cosmos: A Personal Voyage television series."

So in this video he was asked a question and he explained our connection to the universe... Wish I could post the video instead. But what an amazing answer he gave.

[Question]
What is the most astounding fact you can share with us about the Universe?


[Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ph.D. (October 5, 1958)] Source: LYBIO.net
The most astounding fact is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on Earth the atoms that make up the human body are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures. These stars, the high mass ones among them went unstable in their later years they collapsed and then exploded scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy guts made of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and all the fundamental ingredients of life itself. These ingredients become part of gas cloud that condense, collapse, form the next generation of solar systems stars with orbiting planets, and those planets now have the ingredients for life itself. So that when I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the Universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up – many people feel small because they’re small and the Universe is big – but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life, you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant you want to feel like a participant in the goings on of activities and events around you That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive…

Neil DeGrasse Tyson – "When I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the Universe is in us."

Until next time:)

Bible 101: Is masturbation sinful?

The act of masturbation is not mention in the bible, therefore, it can't be label sinful or not, good or evil. The use of sex toys cannot even be discuss because none of it is mentioned in the bible. As we should know, the bible was written a long time ago, so alot of topics we face now is anyone's guess but if God can only label something sinful or not then I guess it's no ones guess.

Carm.org says:
"The Bible does not discuss masturbation at all.  This seems a little odd since it is such a strong and prevalent human event.  And, given that Leviticus has so much to say about sexuality, one would think it natural that the subject would be covered.  But it isn't.  Masturbation is not specifically declared to be sinful.  Nevertheless, we must be cautious to pronounce something to be sinful or not sinful when God has not discussed it.  Therefore, we have to derive principles from scripture on related sexual issues and see if we can wisely apply them to the subject of masturbation.

First of all, sex was created by God for procreative purposes, physical enjoyment, and the demonstration of intimacy between a husband and a wife.  In this context, the sexual act is intended to occur in a healthy marriage relationship between husband and wife in purity and holiness.  In contrast to this, masturbation is the self-stimulation to the point of sexual release without the gifting of a spouse.  It would seem that masturbation is a denial of the sexual design of God for couples.  But, is it sinful?  Again, answering this question is difficult because the Bible does not pronounce it as sin.  Nevertheless, there is the principle of purity that is obvious true.  Does masturbation fall under the category of purity?"

Again, speculation because it's a missing topic. If males and females was doing it in the old & new testament, they definitely did not talked about it at all.

Webmd.com says:
"...Masturbation is a very common behavior, even among people who have sexual relations with a partner. In one national study, 95% of males and 89% of females reported that they have masturbated. Masturbation is the first sexual act experienced by most males and females."

"...masturbation now is regarded as a normal, healthy sexual activity that is pleasant, fulfilling, acceptable, and safe. It is a good way to experience sexual pleasure and can be done throughout life"

"In general, the medical community considers masturbation to be a natural and harmless expression of sexuality for both men and women. It does not cause any physical injury or harm to the body, and can be performed in moderation throughout a person's lifetime as a part of normal sexual behavior. Some cultures and religions oppose the use of masturbation or even label it as sinful. This can lead to guilt or shame about the behavior.

Some experts suggest that masturbation can actually improve sexual health and relationships. By exploring your own body through masturbation, you can determine what is erotically pleasing to you and can share this with your partner. Some partners use mutual masturbation to discover techniques for a more satisfying sexual relationship and to add to their mutual intimacy."

Not only is it normal and healthy to do but it improves sperm and a wide range of animals masturbate.

Theslate.com says:
"...Surely what works for God will work for Nature, too: Since masturbation improves fertility, then it ought to be a prime target for natural selection. That is to say, any animal that evolves the ability or inclination for self-pleasure will end up with healthier sperm, and more offspring, than its competitors. Indeed, if you take the theory of evolution seriously—as the Catholic Church has since February—then you might expect that all animals masturbate, or at least all animals with a reproductive system sufficiently like our own..."

"...hairy palms abound in the animal kingdom. (Wikipedia offers a good summary of the evidence.) Dogs, cats, lions, bears, and a number of other mammals self-stimulate with their front paws; randy walruses use their flippers. Horses and donkeys, whose masturbatory habits have been particularly well-studied, engage in "rhythmic bouncing, pressing, or sliding of the erect penis against the abdomen" (PDF); male deer do the same. The 19th-century physiologist Karl Friedrich Burdach has even described something like female ejaculation among solitary mares, which "rub themselves against whatever obstacles they find, often spurting a white, viscous mucus." A bull, meanwhile, stimulates itself by alternately protruding its penis from a genital sheath, while some moose can ejaculate simply by rubbing their antlers on bits of vegetation. According to observations made at the University of Buffalo in the 1940s, both male and female porcupines manipulate their genitals with inanimate objects—

Needless to say, many animals engage in self-directed oral sex.
Our fellow apes are among the most ardent and industrious masturbators: Female orangutans have been observed to fashion primitive dildos from sticks or pieces of liana, while males stimulate themselves with pieces of fruit, leaves, or other objects. Although it's sometimes said that only mammals masturbate, we have clear examples of autoeroticism among birds, which rub their cloacae on whatever's handy. Turtles have also been observed in the act."

My conclusion: I agree with science, so get acquainted with yourself and have fun.

Until next time:)

Words so beautiful it makes me cry.

I'm sorry but I don't want to be an Emperor, that's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another, human beings are like that. We all want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the earth is rich and can provide for everyone.
The way of life can be free and beautiful. But we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate;
has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.

We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in:
machinery that gives abundance has left us in want.
Our knowledge has made us cynical,
our cleverness hard and unkind.
We think too much and feel too little:
More than machinery we need humanity;
More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness.

Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me I say "Do not despair".

The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress: the hate of men will pass and dictators die and the power they took from the people, will return to the people and so long as men die [now] liberty will never perish. . .

Soldiers: don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you and enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel, who drill you, diet you, treat you as cattle, as cannon fodder.

Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines. You are not cattle. You are men. You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don't hate, only the unloved hate. Only the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers: don't fight for slavery, fight for liberty.

In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written:
- "The kingdom of God is within man"
Not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men; in you, the people.

You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy let's use that power, let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age and security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfil their promise, they never will. Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfil that promise. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness.

Soldiers! In the name of democracy: let us all unite!

- Charlie Chaplin in "The Great Dictator"

Do people love pain?

Do people like to suffer? Do people enjoy pain? The most obvious answer is no, but some people actions make it seem like the answer is yes. I wouldn't say people consciously like to suffer, maybe it's unconsciously. It seems like the more you treat someone good, the worst they treat you and take advantage of that good. Maybe it's the deep mental conditioning we endure as humans that tell us pain in some way is good. Most common saying "pain makes you grow". But does it? It should make you wiser or more aware of others. But why would anyone want to do another wrong or treat them badly?

People say its human nature. I say human conditioning. Maybe on a deep level it's much deeper than that.

Until next time:)

Short story: The fading of us

It was the month of July, you wrote something that was never written to me before. Your words read "I'm secretly in love with you". My heart skipped beats as I read that line over and over... In shock. Could you really be in love with me?

My friend died and you were there. You listened. You told me anything I needed, you would provide. You made me laugh after I've been crying for days. You got my mind off the pain by telling me your love life drama & secrets for hours. You held me at the end of our conversation for five minutes. But it felt like forever. I became addicted to your hugs from that moment forth.

"I just want to kiss you" you said... But I was too afraid to. "You making me feel like I don't deserve you" you pleaded... But I was scared to become physically close to you.

We kissed for the first time in September at 5:30 in the morning. We were both shaking...it could've been from our nerves or the morning breeze. Our hearts were beating fast & breathing became difficult. You licked your lips as our lips met at last. I ripped your jacket that night from nervousness and you just calmly said "we will work through whatever... together".

We constantly talked and wanted to spend as much time as we could together. You held my hand in the crowds and held me close with the most amazing embrace. We laughed together, we were stubborn together, we talked about everything... We created our own capsule together.

But outside that capsule, you were still casually dating and I had a drama filled situation that allowed no dating. Nevertheless, you still saw her while I only had eyes for you.

When she broke your trust, I was still there. We had no obligation to each other but we wanted each other. When she was no longer an option, my bad situation was more evident. You couldn't deal with it but no one was stopping us from exploring our feelings for each other. I knew you couldn't accept it... So I told you to continue to date and don't fall any deeper for me.

You said you couldn't help your feelings for me, that you knew you would get hurt eventually. But you said you couldn't help but want to be with me anyway. I tried to fight my feelings because I didn't want to be responsible for any pain that may come your way. You warned me something bad would happen. You told me it would hurt you if it did. I told you I wouldn't hurt you. Unfortunately that didn't cover someone else actions.

Your prediction came true. Something bad did happen and you did get hurt. So hurt... you ran back to her and gave her apart of you that was meant for me. You blame me for what happened and you left me to suffer your absence. I knew you would that's why I didn't want to tell you.

We came back together but that's when things started to change. It no longer was about pure emotions and feelings. It became about the sexual tension between us and... her again. You grew more sexually frustrated and she satisfied that. I fell for you more and you became more cautious with me because you didn't want to get hurt again.

The love I thought went more to feelings of like. Jealousy became more apparent from both of us. We started seeing each other less, we started talking to each other less.

You told me it felt like you were in a love triangle. Her, another her, and me. I told you I was not apart of that but you said I was because you liked me so much. You told me that day, that you didn't want to hurt me. I said you wouldn't but you insist you felt you would. You kissed me and said "I hope I don't hurt you". I guess that prediction came true too because I'm hurting.

I started going on dates, you didn't like that. You became afraid to lose me. You warned that if I fell for someone else I would lose you as a friend and possible lover. So I started pushing guys away because I wanted you and only you.

We continue to have outbursts of passion but you made it obvious she was the safer choice. I wanted you to be mines so I started to complain. Your eyes assured me, it was me you wanted... Risks and all.

I told you we should only be strictly friends because you were confusing me. Our attraction fought against that. The hope of us ever being together started to die slowly.

My heart broke when you told me you wanted to give her another chance. I cried that day. I guess that's the day I realize how attached I really was to you. You comfort me in your arms as your text replayed in my mind that we would always be friends that she could never change us. I wanted to freeze that moment as you held me tight.

I told myself that I had to let you go. That I wasn't strong enough to watch in the background as you got closer to her.

A week later, she told you to lose her number and you were back in my arms and caught up in another one of our passionate outbursts.

I don't quite know the month when things started changing rapidly. Your hugs started feeling different. That look in your eyes for me was slowly fading. Your texts started slowing. Talks on the phone was now occasional. Everything became about "why weren't we sexual?" That you had needs and I wasnt doing nothing about it. My morals became a problem. Your trust issues became a problem. Going out became a problem. Time became a problem. But my situation became the biggest problem of all.

You said my situation is too much for us to ever be together. I guess us being meant to be was a lie.

My presence stopped exciting you. You stopped wanting to know my mind. Our conversations stopped. The love in you hugs stopped. The light in your eyes for me stopped. The tenderness in your kisses stopped. The hope had died.

You don't want me to know anything anymore. I don't know your feelings anymore. The sexual tension is still there but nothing will survive on that alone. Long ago, You told me to fix my situation so we could be together but I didn't, I know the blame is mines too.

You gave up and shut down. I still believe we could have something great together. It hurts seeing us fall apart. I guess I should've gotten the hint when you said "we will never happen". My heart is yours but your heart is closing towards me. You once said I was your best friend, the closest you ever been to a woman. I guess that was also a lie.

My heart aches because I can't keep holding on while you are letting go. My heart cannot be yours while yours is becoming someone else's. I wish I could rewind. I wish these tears didn't fall from my eyes. I wish I didn't miss you everyday. I wish I was brave enough to embrace the unknown. I wish the timing was perfect. I wish we were one step closer to being together instead of one step away from being strangers. I wish this was a love story instead of a heart breaking one.

I know letting you go will be hard. I know seeing you move on will be hard. I know getting rid of these feelings will be hard. I know not feeling your love will be hard. I know no longer feeling your lips will be hard. No longer feeling your arms will be hard. No longer seeing your smile will be hard. I know missing you every second will be hard. I know having these memories of you will be hard. Losing our closeness has been hard already. But I have to keep going... I have to move on.

I knew you couldn't wait forever for me. Marilyn Monroe once said "something worth having, is worth waiting for". I wish this was the case. Only time will tell and only the future holds the outcome.

I'm hurting... My heart... My body... My mind... I'm hurting.

As we are fading away... The fading of us.

Introduction to the short story: Extreme Infatuation or love?

I wrote this on December 5...

I know I like him but I think I really like him now and may possibly love him. Wow, did I just say I might love him?... I think I do or could it be infatuation? But I'm scared he might not feel the same. I hope he does and it seem like he does but I don't know for sure, absolutely and completely. He mention three times in the summer he loves me but I think he meant it as friends or strong like. Let's go back to my feelings tho, shall we?

I think about him all the time. I day dream about him when I'm bored. I dream about him at night. I crave his touch, his kiss, his hugs constantly. I want to see him all the time. I want to hear his voice. I can't wait to get his texts. I miss him so much everyday. I love his face. I love his smile. I love his expressions, I love his eyes. I love his lips. I loved his smell. I love his voice. I love his style. I love his laugh. I love his walk. I love when he holds my hand. I love when he needs someone to talk to he thinks of me. I love that he listens to me. I love that he cares about my feelings. 

I can tell him anything. I can make him laugh. I can make him smile. I can make him curious. I can surprise him. I make him happy.

He makes me melt. He makes me want him. He makes me blush. He makes me shy. He makes me think about us. He makes me think of a future with him.  He makes me wonder. He makes me want to love him. He makes me weak in my knees. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy.

We are so similar in so many ways but so different in other ways. He's so calm and laid back. He's so stubborn. He worries constantly. He makes me feel like a woman. He makes my body crave him as a man. 

His kiss is always so sweet and careful, so gentle and loving. When he's affectionate towards me, it makes me want to love him. His kisses on my face shows me what I've been deprived of for so many years. When he put his fingers through my hair and behind my ears, I crave his hands on other places on my body. He awakens my sexuality. He awakens my affection. He awakens my heart. 

He has capture my thoughts. He has capture my emotions. He has capture my heart. He has capture me. I just hope he feels the same and that I've capture his heart as well. I hope he's falling in love with me.

I know the timing for us sucks but real soon we will get Our opportunity to be together, I just know it... Everything will work out.