I remember looking out the window as my father's car pulled up. I got really excited because every time my dad came to get me for the day... It was always filled with adventure. I told my mom that my dad was downstairs but she didn't know he was coming. The bell rung and my mom open he door. To our surprise, it was my dad's girlfriend and she came alone. Even at eight, I knew that was weird... So I asked "where's my dad?". She claimed she needed to speak to me and my mom & pointed to the first empty place she saw... Which was the bathroom.
We went into the bathroom, she locked the door. My mom asked her what was wrong but she asked us to sit. I remember me and my mom sat on the tub area & she sat on the closed toilet lid. I looked at my mom because I thought this lady was crazy but my mom stayed calm. She started to talk and she said "I'm sorry to tell you this but your father died and the funeral is tommorrow".
I'm pretty sure my mom started screaming & crying but unfortunately I remember nothing after she said my dad died. I was frozen, in shock, tearless, & went completely blank.
What's crazy ... I had a flash of memory last week. Only three glimpses though of his funeral that I completely black out of my mind.
1. I was on the bus and it was raining. I got off the bus with my mom as she held my hand tightly.
2. I'm sitting in the front with my grandmother, aunt, & cousin. I remember wanting to sit with my mom but she had to sit in the back rows. I remember holding my hands up on each side of my face so that I couldn't see my dad's body.
3. My cousin grabs my hand at the end so that I can view his body before they closed the casket. I didn't want to go but she made me. I remember looking at the ground as we stood in front of the casket. I hear her tell me to look at my dad's dead body or at least say goodbye but I ignore her. Then she pulled my hand to go sit back down & I looked up an caught a glimpse of his gold watch. In that moment, I think... I wanted my dad watch but failed to tell anyone.
I have no memory other than those three glimpses & the memory in the bathroom. I don't even remember my siblings being at the funeral. My mom says I completely shut down & become extremely quiet & shy & didn't cry about my father death for two years. I didn't realize how much of a traumatic experience it was until those memories came back.
I do know that year he died... I stop calling him by his first name & started calling him dad. I was starting to comprehend how much I loved him. He was the first man that I truly trusted & felt protected by. That year he also promised we would spend my birthday together.
& then he was gone.
I must say, as I've gotten older and learned more about him from family & my mom... He was genuinely a good man. No one ever had anything bad to say about him. Even my brothers adored him and have great memories of him. He was a great father to me the first eight years of my life. He spent time with me like hours upon hours... Just me & him & & sometimes my little bro jay. He took me places I've never been & pushed me to experience new things. He spoiled me and never told me no. He protected me and made me feel safe in his presence. He understood he had to build a bond with me... That it wasn't my mom job but his... & it took a long time but he never gave up.
When he left me, my little heart was broken for the first time. It changed me & I pretended it didn't. I was angry he made me a promise & broke it. I was mad I would never see his car outside the window ever again. I was sad that I loved him & he would never hear me say it to him. So I started erasing the bad memory & only kept a handful of happy memories of my dad.
Even though, I don't remember ever telling him I loved him... I know in my heart I always did & always will. So thank you dad for being a wonderful father. Thank you for giving me eight years of true love. Thank you for supporting my mom & providing for me. Thank you for not giving up on your stubborn child. Thank you for not running out on me when you & my mom didn't work out. Thank you for not only loving me but my brothers also & giving them a role model. Thank you for the tender smiles & the proudness in your eyes. Thank you for being my first love.
Happy Father's Day ❤
