The Day My Dad Died

I remember looking out the window as my father's car pulled up. I got really excited because every time my dad came to get me for the day... It was always filled with adventure. I told my mom that my dad was downstairs but she didn't know he was coming. The bell rung and my mom open he door. To our surprise, it was my dad's girlfriend and she came alone. Even at eight, I knew that was weird... So I asked "where's my dad?". She claimed she needed to speak to me and my mom & pointed to the first empty place she saw... Which was the bathroom.

We went into the bathroom, she locked the door. My mom asked her what was wrong but she asked us to sit. I remember me and my mom sat on the tub area & she sat on the closed toilet lid. I looked at my mom because I thought this lady was crazy but my mom stayed calm. She started to talk and she said "I'm sorry to tell you this but your father died and the funeral is tommorrow".

I'm pretty sure my mom started screaming & crying but unfortunately I remember nothing after she said my dad died. I was frozen, in shock, tearless, & went completely blank.

What's crazy ... I had a flash of memory last week. Only three glimpses though of his funeral that I completely black out of my mind.

1. I was on the bus and it was raining. I got off the bus with my mom as she held my hand tightly.

2. I'm sitting in the front with my grandmother, aunt, & cousin. I remember wanting to sit with my mom but she had to sit in the back rows. I remember holding my hands up on each side of my face so that I couldn't see my dad's body.

3. My cousin grabs my hand at the end so that I can view his body before they closed the casket. I didn't want to go but she made me. I remember looking at the ground as we stood in front of the casket. I hear her tell me to look at my dad's dead body or at least say goodbye but I ignore her. Then she pulled my hand to go sit back down & I looked up an caught a glimpse of his gold watch. In that moment, I think... I wanted my dad watch but failed to tell anyone.

I have no memory other than those three glimpses & the memory in the bathroom. I don't even remember my siblings being at the funeral. My mom says I completely shut down & become extremely quiet & shy & didn't cry about my father death for two years. I didn't realize how much of a traumatic experience it was until those memories came back.

I do know that year he died... I stop calling him by his first name & started calling him dad. I was starting to comprehend how much I loved him. He was the first man that I truly trusted & felt protected by. That year he also promised we would spend my birthday together.

& then he was gone.

I must say, as I've gotten older and learned more about him from family & my mom... He was genuinely a good man. No one ever had anything bad to say about him. Even my brothers adored him and have great memories of him. He was a great father to me the first eight years of my life. He spent time with me like hours upon hours... Just me & him & & sometimes my little bro jay. He took me places I've never been & pushed me to experience new things. He spoiled me and never told me no. He protected me and made me feel safe in his presence. He understood he had to build a bond with me... That it wasn't my mom job but his... & it took a long time but he never gave up.

When he left me, my little heart was broken for the first time. It changed me & I pretended it didn't. I was angry he made me a promise & broke it. I was mad I would never see his car outside the window ever again. I was sad that I loved him & he would never hear me say it to him. So I started erasing the bad memory & only kept a handful of happy memories of my dad.

Even though, I don't remember ever telling him I loved him... I know in my heart I always did & always will. So thank you dad for being a wonderful father. Thank you for giving me eight years of true love. Thank you for supporting my mom & providing for me. Thank you for not giving up on your stubborn child. Thank you for not running out on me when you & my mom didn't work out. Thank you for not only loving me but my brothers also & giving them a role model. Thank you for the tender smiles & the proudness in your eyes. Thank you for being my first love.

Happy Father's Day ❤

Poem: Dear. Meant to be

I know who you are. I know how you look. I know how your lips feel. I know what your embrace feel like. I've laid on your chest & heard your heartbeat echo in my ear. I've looked in your eyes & seen love there. I've hugged you and felt at home.

We are alike but we are different. We thought we was never meant to be. We were unexpected. We thought we were never suppose to happen.

Somehow we ended up on the same path. Somehow we wanted more. Somehow we caught feelings. Somehow we said goodbye.

But was it suppose to happen this way?

They say everything happens for a reason... So what's was our reason? A few kisses & hugs & a see u in another life? No, Mr. Meant to be, I don't believe that. I think fear go in the way. I think pride got in the way. I think circumances got in the way.... But only because we allowed them to.

I capture your heart a long time ago & didn't even know. You told me you were in love with me but in that same sentence you told me you know we couldn't be together... Why did you believe that without giving me a fair shot?

Now you've capture my heart but you still believe the same. You said we were meant to be... Well now I believe it too. Nothing hurt me more in my life except losing my father and losing you. Doesn't that mean something?

If you are happy without me in your life... Then I will admit.. It's me with the problem. I must be so blinded by my feelings that all logic has left me.

Mr. Meant to be, wasn't what we shared real?

When we kissed for the first time... Wasn't your heart beating fast?... Wasn't you nervous? When you said you loved me were u lying? When you held me tight & said you never wanted to let go... We're u faking it? When you said I meant more to you than anybody... We're you joking?

But nevertheless, I know your heart. I know who you are. I know your dreams. You are changing & I don't know if I will fit in that equation. I don't know if we will ever be together.

However, I know that I love you. I know we are meant to be.

We may or may not find a way back to each other. This may be the end of us. They say if you really love a person, you have to let them go if they want to go but if they come back it was really meant to be.

The selfish part of me want to keep loving you & holding on... even from a distance because I'm afraid you will find someone else.... The selfless part... The part that is in love with you... Says to let you go even if I have to cry a million times, think of you every minute, relive every memory in my head... But let you go.

Mr. Meant to be... so I've decided...

I have to let you go but know that I will always love you...

I deserve better....

I deserve a love that makes life worth while. A love that brings forth clarity. A love that gives me understanding. A love that transform me spiritually. A love that's truly amazing. A love that never leaves.

I may still be naive. Even borderline stupid. It has become taboo to believe that finding such a love in this century is possible. Most people believe love sucks and hurt like hell. Why would anyone want to experience that? Why would anyone want to open up just to get their heart ripped out? I say... Love isn't hurting you... Impulsive actions, fear, & not knowing how to love is hurting you. I may be wrong... But blaming love is absolutely wrong.

Just maybe... People often don't find real love or the love they feel they deserve because they don't wait. Or they are scared. Or they need to change themselves for the better. If you hate being lonely and be with anyone, you will get hurt repeatedly. If you are scared because you've been hurt... You will push every good thing away. If you are dysfunctional, your actions will be dysfunctional... Your relationships will be dysfunctional.

Fear is the total opposite of love. If you are fearful... Fear of being lonely, fear of settling, fear of getting hurt, fear of change... Any type of fear... That is what you will attract to yourself. Want love but fearful of being cheated on? Say goodbye to the old cheating bastard & hello to the new cheating bastard. You scared to get hurt? So you end up hurting people that love you or get hurt by someone thats also scared of getting hurt. you want a great person... they show up... they end up in the friend zone because you don't know what great qualities look like... just how to say them. Want love? Can't have fear... Sound simple but not simple huh? I know.

We live in a fearful society. All we know is fear. We say we know love... But do we? We just know the idea of love from movies, music, & books. Most of us hardly grew up seeing our parents experiencing true love. Or experience seeing true love from others. We see pictures of young couples & say I want that... But don't see how much pain lives in their hearts. I want to see what fifty years happily together looks like. We believe early on that arguing is part of a healthy relationship, all men cheat, all women lie, that there's no such thing of true love... Just make it work with who you got. We tell our children... Your father is a deadbeat, not realizing you are changing this child perception of all men. Or your mother is a bit**, now all women in life may be bit**** to this child as they grows up.

Fathers are daughters first love but learn to love from a women... Mothers are sons first love but learn to love through a man...Mess that up... Scarred.

I had a great father & he loved me. I have a great mother & she loves me. But I never experience seeing an healthy loving relationship. I don't know what real true love looks like. I know I put really great guys in the friend zone. I know I liked guys that were bad, thinking I could change them. I've settled because I didn't want to wait anymore. I was fearful. I met a soulmate & the timing was off because I feared the timing was wrong. I know a good guy that I pushed away, or didn't appreciate, or hurt them unconsciously so in return I got pushed away, unappreciated, or hurt. I know a good guy that put me in the friend zone after I put him in the friend zone because I was scared of liking him...the like didn't go away but i'm still in the friend zone. I gotta learn to love the right way and I'm open and willing to learn. I need to learn what "true love" is instead of knowing how it sounds.

Point is... I'm letting go of my fears and I'm always gonna believe fearlessly that true love awaits. No more letting good guys or soul-mates get away because I'm scared. No more putting up with what I feel I don't deserve. No more accepting people fears & insecurities. I'm letting go of fear again and going back to my natural state of love. Let go of fear... Love yourself... Attract all thing & people in love... Because love is what you deserve.

I deserve... A deep friendship, undeniable closeness, strongly felt passionate chemistry, unexplainable attraction, an healthy companionship, equally shared feelings & bliss, love that I could feel every second of the day... fearlessness in every sense... love I rather not live without... Real and perfectly satisfying... True love.

Poem: Broken hearted

I'm here with the pieces of my heart dancing around in my chest.
I could feel the flood behind my eyes patiently waiting to flow.
The thoughts in my head are going a thousand miles an hour.
Not to mention the numbness is starting to consume my body.

The aching in my chest has begun.
The depression is creeping up on me.
I have so many unanswered questions. So broken hearted.
I crave only sleep so I don't think of you.

Memories are on constant repeat in my mind.
The yearning for your lips and hands, makes me hate you even more.
Mentioning hate... Yea I hate you and every word you said to me.
You left me with no explanation. Why would you leave me?

This is the second time you hurt my heart... This time even more so.
I trusted you with everything. I open my heart to you again.
Thanks for disappointing me. Thanks for letting me down.
I hope you are happy now... I hope you got what you wanted.

Goodbye is what you said.
Now I have nothing to look forward to but missing & hating you every second.
You told me everybody always leave you & I promised I wouldn't... Isn't it ironic.
I guess my new dwelling will be the hell I did not want to know.

So broken hearted is how you left me and how I shall remain.