Short story: The fading of us

It was the month of July, you wrote something that was never written to me before. Your words read "I'm secretly in love with you". My heart skipped beats as I read that line over and over... In shock. Could you really be in love with me?

My friend died and you were there. You listened. You told me anything I needed, you would provide. You made me laugh after I've been crying for days. You got my mind off the pain by telling me your love life drama & secrets for hours. You held me at the end of our conversation for five minutes. But it felt like forever. I became addicted to your hugs from that moment forth.

"I just want to kiss you" you said... But I was too afraid to. "You making me feel like I don't deserve you" you pleaded... But I was scared to become physically close to you.

We kissed for the first time in September at 5:30 in the morning. We were both shaking...it could've been from our nerves or the morning breeze. Our hearts were beating fast & breathing became difficult. You licked your lips as our lips met at last. I ripped your jacket that night from nervousness and you just calmly said "we will work through whatever... together".

We constantly talked and wanted to spend as much time as we could together. You held my hand in the crowds and held me close with the most amazing embrace. We laughed together, we were stubborn together, we talked about everything... We created our own capsule together.

But outside that capsule, you were still casually dating and I had a drama filled situation that allowed no dating. Nevertheless, you still saw her while I only had eyes for you.

When she broke your trust, I was still there. We had no obligation to each other but we wanted each other. When she was no longer an option, my bad situation was more evident. You couldn't deal with it but no one was stopping us from exploring our feelings for each other. I knew you couldn't accept it... So I told you to continue to date and don't fall any deeper for me.

You said you couldn't help your feelings for me, that you knew you would get hurt eventually. But you said you couldn't help but want to be with me anyway. I tried to fight my feelings because I didn't want to be responsible for any pain that may come your way. You warned me something bad would happen. You told me it would hurt you if it did. I told you I wouldn't hurt you. Unfortunately that didn't cover someone else actions.

Your prediction came true. Something bad did happen and you did get hurt. So hurt... you ran back to her and gave her apart of you that was meant for me. You blame me for what happened and you left me to suffer your absence. I knew you would that's why I didn't want to tell you.

We came back together but that's when things started to change. It no longer was about pure emotions and feelings. It became about the sexual tension between us and... her again. You grew more sexually frustrated and she satisfied that. I fell for you more and you became more cautious with me because you didn't want to get hurt again.

The love I thought went more to feelings of like. Jealousy became more apparent from both of us. We started seeing each other less, we started talking to each other less.

You told me it felt like you were in a love triangle. Her, another her, and me. I told you I was not apart of that but you said I was because you liked me so much. You told me that day, that you didn't want to hurt me. I said you wouldn't but you insist you felt you would. You kissed me and said "I hope I don't hurt you". I guess that prediction came true too because I'm hurting.

I started going on dates, you didn't like that. You became afraid to lose me. You warned that if I fell for someone else I would lose you as a friend and possible lover. So I started pushing guys away because I wanted you and only you.

We continue to have outbursts of passion but you made it obvious she was the safer choice. I wanted you to be mines so I started to complain. Your eyes assured me, it was me you wanted... Risks and all.

I told you we should only be strictly friends because you were confusing me. Our attraction fought against that. The hope of us ever being together started to die slowly.

My heart broke when you told me you wanted to give her another chance. I cried that day. I guess that's the day I realize how attached I really was to you. You comfort me in your arms as your text replayed in my mind that we would always be friends that she could never change us. I wanted to freeze that moment as you held me tight.

I told myself that I had to let you go. That I wasn't strong enough to watch in the background as you got closer to her.

A week later, she told you to lose her number and you were back in my arms and caught up in another one of our passionate outbursts.

I don't quite know the month when things started changing rapidly. Your hugs started feeling different. That look in your eyes for me was slowly fading. Your texts started slowing. Talks on the phone was now occasional. Everything became about "why weren't we sexual?" That you had needs and I wasnt doing nothing about it. My morals became a problem. Your trust issues became a problem. Going out became a problem. Time became a problem. But my situation became the biggest problem of all.

You said my situation is too much for us to ever be together. I guess us being meant to be was a lie.

My presence stopped exciting you. You stopped wanting to know my mind. Our conversations stopped. The love in you hugs stopped. The light in your eyes for me stopped. The tenderness in your kisses stopped. The hope had died.

You don't want me to know anything anymore. I don't know your feelings anymore. The sexual tension is still there but nothing will survive on that alone. Long ago, You told me to fix my situation so we could be together but I didn't, I know the blame is mines too.

You gave up and shut down. I still believe we could have something great together. It hurts seeing us fall apart. I guess I should've gotten the hint when you said "we will never happen". My heart is yours but your heart is closing towards me. You once said I was your best friend, the closest you ever been to a woman. I guess that was also a lie.

My heart aches because I can't keep holding on while you are letting go. My heart cannot be yours while yours is becoming someone else's. I wish I could rewind. I wish these tears didn't fall from my eyes. I wish I didn't miss you everyday. I wish I was brave enough to embrace the unknown. I wish the timing was perfect. I wish we were one step closer to being together instead of one step away from being strangers. I wish this was a love story instead of a heart breaking one.

I know letting you go will be hard. I know seeing you move on will be hard. I know getting rid of these feelings will be hard. I know not feeling your love will be hard. I know no longer feeling your lips will be hard. No longer feeling your arms will be hard. No longer seeing your smile will be hard. I know missing you every second will be hard. I know having these memories of you will be hard. Losing our closeness has been hard already. But I have to keep going... I have to move on.

I knew you couldn't wait forever for me. Marilyn Monroe once said "something worth having, is worth waiting for". I wish this was the case. Only time will tell and only the future holds the outcome.

I'm hurting... My heart... My body... My mind... I'm hurting.

As we are fading away... The fading of us.

Introduction to the short story: Extreme Infatuation or love?

I wrote this on December 5...

I know I like him but I think I really like him now and may possibly love him. Wow, did I just say I might love him?... I think I do or could it be infatuation? But I'm scared he might not feel the same. I hope he does and it seem like he does but I don't know for sure, absolutely and completely. He mention three times in the summer he loves me but I think he meant it as friends or strong like. Let's go back to my feelings tho, shall we?

I think about him all the time. I day dream about him when I'm bored. I dream about him at night. I crave his touch, his kiss, his hugs constantly. I want to see him all the time. I want to hear his voice. I can't wait to get his texts. I miss him so much everyday. I love his face. I love his smile. I love his expressions, I love his eyes. I love his lips. I loved his smell. I love his voice. I love his style. I love his laugh. I love his walk. I love when he holds my hand. I love when he needs someone to talk to he thinks of me. I love that he listens to me. I love that he cares about my feelings. 

I can tell him anything. I can make him laugh. I can make him smile. I can make him curious. I can surprise him. I make him happy.

He makes me melt. He makes me want him. He makes me blush. He makes me shy. He makes me think about us. He makes me think of a future with him.  He makes me wonder. He makes me want to love him. He makes me weak in my knees. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy.

We are so similar in so many ways but so different in other ways. He's so calm and laid back. He's so stubborn. He worries constantly. He makes me feel like a woman. He makes my body crave him as a man. 

His kiss is always so sweet and careful, so gentle and loving. When he's affectionate towards me, it makes me want to love him. His kisses on my face shows me what I've been deprived of for so many years. When he put his fingers through my hair and behind my ears, I crave his hands on other places on my body. He awakens my sexuality. He awakens my affection. He awakens my heart. 

He has capture my thoughts. He has capture my emotions. He has capture my heart. He has capture me. I just hope he feels the same and that I've capture his heart as well. I hope he's falling in love with me.

I know the timing for us sucks but real soon we will get Our opportunity to be together, I just know it... Everything will work out.