In between somewhere and nowhere...

Sometimes it feels like everything is working out... Life is progressing the way it needs to. As If im content with the way my life is heading. Ive been through a bad chapter in life, so... better must be ahead right? Someone recently told me.."today is a step toward a better life because you deserve it". I believe that, I truly do. Unfortunately, other times I feel as if I'm not moving toward my destination but just standing in nowhere zone. Not happy where I'm at because it's not where I want to be. Not really happy or content... Just maintaining in this unbalance. Trying toughly to hold up this 100lbs weight on my shoulders. This pressure and disappointment just weighting on me everyday... And not being able to do anything about it.

I want to be the girl that's smiling because every piece of her life is in place and in order. Not smiling to keep everybody else in better spirits. I want to be able to feel that security of having a stable life where everything makes sense because there's stability. Not hoping that my life will eventually stabilize in due time. I want to be acknowledged for achieving my BA degree. Not wondering how I'm going get through so many classes next semester. I want to be happy about maybe settling down soon and starting a family in the next five years. Not telling myself not to think about it because that aspect of love, marriage & kids isn't looking too bright for me. I want to hold hands and kiss, make silly videos and make love 5 days a week. Yet, I'm constantly horny and celibate. I want to be adventurous and travel but instead I'm becoming more routinely predictable and hoping to have extra cash for winter classes. I want to be more creative and perfect my hobbies but I find myself less motivated by not having the tools I need to create.

I'm a girl full of thoughts, questions, intelligence, humor, love, kindness, sensitivity, memories, pain and hope. That's in search for freedom, creativity, acceptance, peace, harmony, balance, stability, adventure, love, fun, laughter, joy, spontaneous smiles, excitement, balance and greatness. I want to be able to look at myself in a mirror and just smile because I'm blissfully happy. I want to enjoy my day working on something I love or creating something that a piece of me will always exist in. I want to read books, eat healthy & fatty foods, travel the world, crack jokes, try new things, send my mom random cash deposits, have family time, take pictures, laugh unto my belly hurts and be recognized for my works. I want to look a man in his eyes and know that he will be my husband one day... The father to my kids & I want him to know without a shadow of a doubt I will be his wife. For us to be so in love that nothing can come between us... For us to put equal effort in keeping a healthy, balance, fun companionship.

Right now, I just have my fears... The what ifs, when & how's, why not now, that's not fair, I want this and that. The impatience of a normally patience female. At the age where it's not coming fast enough. Thoughts of uncertainty because I want to follow my heart but my mind tells me I could get hurt or fail. Trying to maintain the peace I've made with my past but the past keep trying to be revived in the present. Struggling to stay aware of each present moment while my brain wants to sound the alarm about the future. Forgiving and blaming myself at the same time for choices and mistakes I've made. Healing wounds just to get the bandage ripped off every Monday so it can heal again. Frustrated because I get less effort than I give, somewhat Being taken for granted.

I wish people knew how easily my feelings get hurt from; lack of effort, inconsiderate words, broken promises, unaccountability, name calling, giving me your word and not following through, comparing me... And much more. I get hurt a lot just from being sensitive which is why I'm so understanding to people and try to forgive often. It keeps me sane to remember that people make mistakes because no ones perfect.

I guess as I approach the next decade of my life... I almost feel the time is ticking on my wants. Of course, it's not because it's never to late to change your life. I have so much to be grateful for and to be proud of how far I've come. A lot of people don't get a chance to experience all that life has to offer. Some don't even make it out the womb, while... I'm still breathing. I guess life is meant to be challenging for us to appreciate the journey. Continuously alternating between the good and the bad for us to cherish our happiness. Nothing lasts forever but the key is to create everlasting memories & moments.

I'm growing and I'm aging... I'm scared and I'm fearless... I'm content and I'm uncertain... My future is still being written every day, my past is already recorded history. But this present moment is all I have as I write this blog... In this moment... im filled with gratitude and I know in my heart, everything will be ok.

Until next time:)