I surrender....

I did not give up, I'm just tired of getting my feelings hurt every time I show how I feel. It's not easy to get rejected over and over again when you try to be vulnerable. It's heartbreaking to know that whatever you try to do, it won't work. I wish it was as easy as eating a slice of cake with a cold glass of milk instead of feeling like a thousand daggers being shot at your heart. Hurt is like an evil twin taunting you and criticizing you every time you get too close. Like the cock blocking ugly friend that can't get love so don't want any other person to have it. There's no fighting hurt because it will win in every battle. The more the ego identify with it, the more stronger it gets. It's almost similar to David fighting Goliath but with no slingshot. No amount of reasons or sorry's or tears can kill this hurt. Even if you caused this hurt (intentionally or unintentionally) or didn't cause it, you will be trying to climb up a mountain made of quick sand. People personalize hurt to the point it becomes all about them and how they feel. Forget you and your feelings because it's all your fault and I'm gonna blame you until I push you away. I know, I've been there. Subconsciously, you want that person to feel as much pain as you because only then will they understand the hurt they caused you. On top of that is the entitlement you feel, because you are entitled to feel how you feel, you didn't hurt them... They hurt you so they should take the verbal beating... It's their fault. I felt that way before too. And what does the person taking all the verbal beating do? They take it & try to fight harder for forgiveness because deep down they already feel guilty.

I've been on both sides of the fence... The one that got hurt and the one who unintentionally hurt another. Of course, being the one to get hurt... I blamed and accused, I felt entitled because I didn't hurt anyone. I held on to the hurt so closely to guard my heart from any other pain. I started feeling numb and started not caring about the reasons or excuses. You hurt me as I thought... So suffer the consequences of the person it changed me into. I wasn't gonna be the same naive person that got hurt, no! I had Goliath with me now. It was gonna protect me and make me feel powerful, I had the upper hand. In that hurt, it started killing my joy, killing my feelings, causing me to overthink, making me confused. I felt like I could forgive but that would leave my heart vurnerble again and it felt safe behind the hurt. That's what I wanted... I just wanted my heart to be safe... Even if the hurt was sucking my happiness away... Draining my energy. The more I pushed him away, one would think I would be happy but I wasn't. Articles and advice justified my behavior and validated how I felt. I didn't gravitate towards things I didn't want to hear about healing and forgiving. I didn't care if he walked away... That would be his fault for hurting me anyway. I didn't want to heal, I was numb to the pain and I was safe behind the hurt... What more could I want. But somehow I kept searching for answers. I needed clarity for the confusion. How could he hurt me after I was good to him? Did I really want to call it's quits for us? If we got back together, would he hurt me again? The advice was telling me to move on but why did I want to try again? I still cared that's why and that part of me was still holding on.

I took him back and he cheated again. I know the thought that comes up is... I should've took the advice. But the truth is, I didn't need general advice from random people. All I had to do was to look with my own eyes and feel with my own heart. I knew he was bad news when I met him, I knew he had a history of cheating on multiple girls, I knew he was a big flirt, I knew he was a ladies man. Even after hearing his words of "growing up", after he hurt me the first time... What change did he do to back of his words of never intentionally hurting me again. He just gave me empty words. He didn't stop doing or try to change what he previously did because he didn't want to change. He wasn't ready to commit to me or grow up. He didn't try to correct his behavior... He just tried to hide his cheating better. In this case, he didn't deserve another chance with me. In this case, the general advice did apply to him because he saw no harm in hurting people. He didn't see no wrong in his actions or care much to fix it. He wanted women, he craved women, he felt being with one woman was boring. He enjoyed cheating but wanted me too. He didn't mind seeing me hurt, he just didn't like who I became after so he feed me more lies. I knew in my heart that he wasn't a good person to be in a relationship with but I thought he would change for me.

Totally on the opposite side, I thought I could never hurt someone I cared about with my actions. I always pride myself to be selfless, respectful and putting people feelings before mines. I knew how it felt to be hurt so I never wanted to cause hurt to anyone else. I didn't know that "I didn't do it on purpose" and "I did do it on purpose" felt like the same thing. I didn't know that withholding personal information until I was ready to expose it could've protected someone's heart if I told it sooner. However, intentional actions from dude above cause so much hurt around my heart that I closed my heart to a lot of stuff thinking no one would get close enough for me to want to bare my secrets to & let my Goliath step to the side. I was safe with my heart guarded, no one needed to know the pain it carried... I didn't want to be open & vurnerble to the world. I just wanted to pretend everything was okay... My world was chaotic and destructive. With my guard up, nothing could hurt me because I was numb and couldn't feel. Then unexpectedly someone came along and started chipping at the layers of protection. My Goliath was strong, he wouldn't get close enough. I tried pushing away but he kept coming back harder. I was smiling again, laughing again, gaming again, going out again, having fun again, expressing myself again, curious again. Hidden information #1: I was now liking two people at the same time, one was making me happy and one was making me miserable. I never liked two people at once & couldn't live with myself to lead two people on at the same time. I wasn't officially dating anyone. But I decided to not focus on one and focus on the other. Focus my curiosity but my hurt wasn't gonna let him get closer. I guess my Goliath was mighty after all because I was pushing everybody away. My focus started curving me from a lack of return interest and my unfocused decided to call it quits & left me for not returning his advances. A funny thing happened, my heart felt broken. No one ever left me before. Though I was sad, I was glad too because dude above hurt me again... Being alone again, I didn't have to tell anyone so my biggest secret was safe. Months later, my focus came back into focus. Immediately and more determined now... He started chipping harder. The more I saw him... The more my guard got weaker. I started feeling guilty, I had to tell him hidden secret #2: I was in a unhealthy living situation. I was prepared... Guard was up... Just in case he couldn't rock with it. But he wanted to keep moving forward. I wanted to tell him the deepest secret but I didn't want to tell anyone ever. Hey, he wouldn't get any closer to my heart anyway.

Six months later, we are exclusively dating and exchanging "I love you's". Piece by piece I was opening up to him about everything. I reasoned that my hidden secret happened before him and I didn't want to open those wounds... It was better for me to just forget and not think of the past. We both fell deeper and deeper.

Unfortunately, the deeper secret happened again. I previously thought my prayers were answered and that it would never happen again. 14 months of healing and forgiving and truly believe things would be different... Vanished. I was once again in the same position. I wanted to end things with my focus... I wanted to crawl in a hole. Maybe I did't have to feel all this pain again I thought. Maybe I could protect myself by going back to pretending. The pain was to unbearable to express, to tell anyone, to relieve again by talking... I just wanted it to go away. I wanted to feel safe, so safe meant to let Goliath guard it. I knew it was selfish not to at least tell my focus but how do one even say the words. I was lost and confused. I didn't want to cave under depression. I just wanted to feel normal and the only way to be normal was to pretend nothing happened. So I did.

By the end of the year, my life was crashing down on me. I had to tell someone... The secret was killing my inside. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't accept feeling like a fraud anymore. I didn't want the shame and judgement I knew would follow after but I felt I was suffocating inside. So I told the one person I wanted to tell, the one person that deserved to know once we decided to become exclusive... My focus. We never been the same since. Though I can't change the past, I take full responsibility for not making the best decisions in a traumatic state of mind that started long before my focus. I sudve closed myself off to every and anybody until I got healing for the hurt and found a healthy living environment. Goliath couldn't protect me, my guard crumbled once I told someone what happened to me. I was left exposed and vulnerable... Bare bones with no one to comfort me.

I'm now healing the right way. Forgiving the right way. Making decisions the right way. Loving myself the right way. Making peace with the choices and healing the pain. I know I've made mistakes and I know my mind wasn't in the right state back then. Trauma has a way of destroying your life if one doesn't get help, I learnt the hard way. But there were blessings from all of it. I never want to hurt anyone again from my choices. I'm making the necessary behavioral changes to better myself. But my one guilt or regret is hurting him... He didn't deserve it. I surrender forcing him to see my side or trying to get his forgiveness. His healing will be on his time and I have no control of that outcome. I don't give up but I surrender to the back and forth fighting. The daggers get shaper every time and it's draining me dry. I surrender to supporting the process and helping if I can. I surrender by praying for his healing and hoping for the best. I surrender.