Child Molestation

I have very strong thoughts on child molestation because watching Oprah today on men who were sexually abuse as boys, made me debate with myself on sharing my own story. It is said that people don't talk about it because of the shame and pain that is still affecting them. Well, I don't feel any type of pain or shame because I've fully forgiven my abusers and am at peace with myself. I do feel so many people are abuse on a regular basis, it is said 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abuse. In almost all cases children are abuse by family members or close friends, always the family or the child knows the molester. I never shared my abuse with anyone especially with my mom because I knew it would hurt her that she wasn't there to protect me. But maybe by telling, someone may come across my blog and find it helpful.

My first ever sexual abuse encounter happened when I was three... One of my brother Phillip best friends. My brother would take me outside to play... And his friend would always come along. I'm guessing the friend was about 12 years old at the time maybe even 13. But I only have one memory and that's of him telling me to sit on his lap until my brother came back from the store. I remember doing so... And as I was sitting on his lap... He pulled my pants down. Unfortunately, that's all I remembered... I'm guessing he looked and maybe touch me for a couple of minutes before my brother came back.

The next abuse encounter was with my cousin Gina father, when he would come to my cousin Barbara house and I would be over there. Of course, he really abused his daughter more than me but because I always was with her growing up, he started coming after me too. It first happened at 4, I was playing with my cousins and he caught me alone in the kitchen. He told me I was pretty and kissed me on my mouth.... I remember, wiping my mouth with my hand and going back to play. I was too young still to understand that was sexual abuse. He was seriously abusing my cousin as time went on.... That one kiss was all I remember happening to me, probably because I moved down south the first time with my family. I do even remember going to his house a couple of times with my cousin and him no even making a move on me but always taking her in the room alone. My cousin is three years older than me so she endured it for years and years, until at 8 or 9, she finally told her mom. He was banned from seeing her and I believe charges were filed. Unfortunately, my cousin begin wanting a real relationship with him and he started visiting again (with supervision) when she was 13 but since she was off limit... Didn't mean I was... So he would catch me in Gina room by myself and grab me. He then would proceed with his tap kisses and touching my chest area, I would get away and hide, but it Happened 3 times within a six month period. By 11, frankly, I had enough with him and though he was extremely mentally ill (bipolar and schizio)... I was done. The last time he tried something, I was in the shower and I knew it was him knocking on the door, I knew he would try to look at me, so I asked him to wait until I was finished. He complained he had to go bad, so I wrapped the towel around me & opened the door and hid behind the curtain. As suspected, I saw his head peek in from the side of the curtain. I looked him in the eye and said "if you ever try anything with me again I will tell Barbara and my Mom". After that, he never tried anything else...he would stare at me when I saw him but he never came 2 feet near me. Also, he got shipped to a mental hospital soon after... For other abuse charges.

Another abuse encounter was with my mom friend, we was living with him before we moved back to NC. I was 7 or 8 and I remember... he would wait until late at night and show me porn... When everybody was asleep. He would talk really nasty to me including all the things he wanted to do with me. I don't remember him touching me but I know he made me touch him and would bribe me with money. That went on for months, my mom at the time was dealing with alot with my stepfather and I didn't wanna worry her. The last time with him was when I was 11, I was sick and he asked my mom to go to the store for him... I didn't go because I was laying down not feeling well. Being that it was years later, I didn't think he would try anything. Well, he did as soon as she left... He jumped on top of me and held me down... Pulled my pants down... & performed oral sex on me. I just remember hearing his disgusting commentary as he did it... My body completely went numb. I felt so dirty and disgusted when he was done. I ran into the shower and tried to scrub away his scent but somehow I was totally dress by the time my mom came back so she wouldn't know.

This encounter actually happened down south and with two boys my own age...
The boy my age lived downstairs from me, they use to call him chocolate because he was black as hell. I use to hang with his sister teresa, so one day I went down there to see her. It's weird I just had a dream about this because I forgot this happened to me, kind of like I erased it out my memories. But I went to see her and chocolate invited me in but only she wasn't there, just him and this boy named Junior. I went inside and went to go inside teresa room to wait but they turned off all the lights and started grabbing me and kissing on me. I started fighting them and one tripped me and the other started dragging me into chocolate room. Both were holding me down... One on my arms... The other on my feet. I was crying and screaming... Junior was the one holding my feet... Pulled my pants half way down but because I was so loud and kicking him violently... He let me go. I ran out the door and upstairs. I fixed myself of course and wiped my tears away... Before going in the house... No surprise either that I didn't tell. Later that day his older sister came to get me, so we could talk about what happened. They said they was playing, I said they tried to rape me, she said I should've never went into a house with two boys. Chocolate father shipped him away soon after and junior idk... But I also left too back to nyc. I realize now, this is the reason I don't go to any guy house alone...unless I trust him....& that trust got to be built over a long period of time.

The last encounters of sexual abuse happened when I was 11 1/2 years old and we was living in brooklyn... I was with David at his friend house and David left to go get his game, so I stayed to wait. His friend (15) pushed me into his closet and started kissing me and touching on me, I told him to stop but he said he wanted me. I started to hitting him and I guess he was scared his mom would hear so he stopped and I ran home which was upstairs. The last one I was on the train I was 12, I was just standing by the door and this guy starts rubbing up on me. I guess I was so scared I didn't do anything, I just let him do it. He had to be in his 30's but when he got off I felt so bad and mad at myself.

I know why my abusers came after me, mainly because I was so shy and quiet, making me a easy target. I know that nothing that happened to me was my fault and I have nothing to feel shameful or hurt about. This has not define me and has no control over my life. I am still the same sweet, kind, shy, innocent girl but much wiser. I will never let this happen to me or anyone younger than me, if I have a say. I don't blame or hate anyone, this has happened to me and I have accepted that. But for anyone that hasn't accepted any type of abuse that have happened in their life I say get help and learn to let it go. To fully live your life you must make peace with all the bad things that have happened in your life and learn to live through it.
Thanks for reading:)